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First off, this positive rant was not fuelled by that song in anyway. I was just listening to it this morning and I realized it fit my mood soo well. Ok, I have an announcement to make, so be prepared for a loooong journal. Here we go.

Recently, I’ve had a few very good friends speak to me and call me things such as brave and/or strong. Basically, in response I told these people to shut up because they were absolutely wrong and I didn’t deserve it. Lately I’ve been acting in such a way to make that true, but I was up all night last night (and I mean all, I think I fell asleep at 5:30 and woke up at 6 through none of my own choosing) and had a revelation. I don’t want those people to be wrong anymore, I’m through with torturing and feeling sorry for myself the way I have been lately, and it’s time for something new.

See, this is what has been happening with my life ever since Crohn’s. Two years ago I got out of the hospital all better and ready to forget anything had ever happened. Sure, I had to take my pills and I understood this type of thing doesn’t go away, but my doctors had told me I wouldn’t have to worry about a serious problem for about 15 years and I was perfectly happy to believe them and just deny that there was something really wrong with me. Here’s a piece of advice I can give you for if you ever get thrown a problem like I have: whatever you do, DON’T IGNORE IT. That strategy didn’t work out too well for me because a little a while ago I was told my Crohn’s had come back. Well news like that is extremely hard to take when you’ve been completely denying the existence of your problem for two years. So after I heard that, if you all recall, I collapsed. And for two entire months all I did was cry, whine, moan, complain, and bitch about it. Guess what…surprisingly, that’s not a good way to handle it either. (and just in case you were unsure that was internet sarcasm.)

I’ve talked to numerous people through all this; family, friends, doctors, etc. and basically they all told me similar things. What they told me was perfect advice and I should have listened but I was too blind and stupid to do that for myself. Essentially, they all told me things like ‘keep positive’, ‘life is what you make it’, ‘everything will be ok’, etc., etc. which really could have helped me so much if I had just stopped being so stubborn and actually done something about it. Well, now I’ve decided to. It was so weird last night; it was like someone pumped optimism gas into my room or something. I went to bed the same as I’d been for the past two months and slowly became determined to turn it all around. Everything everyone I’d talked to had told me finally sank in and I saw the light.

I’ve been handling this situation all wrong for so long. Thinking it was something to hide from or some punishment that was sent only to destroy me. I acted like I was a silly little lemming, running for my life away from it all only to fall off a cliff to my impending doom. No more. This isn’t a punishment, this isn’t a curse, rather, it’s an opportunity. I’m no longer going to be a lemming. I’m going to stand up and fight this for myself and all the countless others, roaring like a lion.

Thanks to everyone who talked me through that, you know who you are, and I’m sorry it took me so long to see.